Thursday, December 5, 2013

Los Angeles Leads Nation in Hobophobia

It is common knowledge that Los Angeles is the homeless capital of the nation, but did you know that we also lead the way in complaining about the homeless? We reached a new low last month when a group of hobophobes petitioned city hall to deal with the problem of people eating.

Though we should have compassion for those less capable of having a fucking heart than us, we need to address this problem seriously and directly. Los Angeles is perceived as a cruel place of treachery, shallowness, and Darwinian indifference to suffering. As the film industry continues to leak away, we cannot allow our PR problem to cause people to see LA as the land of bastards. There are those who say we should have sympathy for these people, for they did not chose to be idiots with no sense of their place in the world, but we cannot acquiesce to utopian fantasy. By not acting swiftly and decisively, we are sending a message to assholes that they are welcome here, when our economy simply cannot support them.

There are those in city government who would like us to give in to our emotions, and let these shit heads live amongst us. For example, Councilman of Los Angeles' 13th district, Mitch "well at least he's handsome" O'Farrell:
A new person to hate? But my birthday isn't till January!
Chosen by the city's political establishment last May to take the important role of saying yes to Eric Garcetti, O'Farrell's long career as a former Garcetti staffer and professional yes-to-Garcetti-sayer has finally paid off. Also, he apparently wrote for Patch, AOL's pathetic miscarriage of an attempt at hyperlocal news, which even this rock-bottom blogger can look down upon.

When Hollywood complained about the presence of homeless people eating in their neighborhood, O'Farrell was first to address their concerns. I commend his compassion, but can we afford to have so many nut wads in our city? This is a mental health crisis that I do not believe O'Farrell is fully prepared to address, and his amnesty for dickweeds is not the way to solve the dickweed problem.

How did this Ken doll, whose friends describe as a man who gave "years of quiet service to mayoral aspirant Eric Garcetti", get together the gumption to think for himself? Money, of course, and again it was his friends who told us. In the earlier of the two (!) LA Times endorsements of O'Farrell, we learn, "[a]t the district level, he has not -- nor have his opponents -- focused much on the needs of residents other than those with clout, money and the right to vote."

We need a strong leader to deal with our shitbrained, and dare I say that desperate times call for desperate measures. Therefore, I recommend that all people who believe that the soul is inextricable from having an address should henceforth be banned from eating. I know it seems harsh, but this will reduce fuck wad populations safely and without danger to citizens who were born with at least an iota of kindness. These hobophobes are sick, unstable people, only deserving of continued access to the limited resources of our planet contingent on their shutting their fucking pie holes, and we only increase their numbers by indulging their massively uniformed and self-obsessed ramblings about addiction, mental illness, and poverty. 

Real talk:

  • If you live in LA, write to your council member and tell them to have a fucking heart. Here's the handy dandy widget to sort out who your rep is
  • Donate to or volunteer with the Greater West Hollywood Food Coalition, the organization whose work prompted the complaint.
  • Try and not be a bastard, if that's a problem you might have, but I'm sure you're just a lovely person
I would have never quit dancing

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